How One Conversation Saved My Marriage

Thirty years ago, my fiancé gave me one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. On his birthday, I broke off our engagement. Instead of reacting with anger or slipping into self-pity, he remained calm, grounded, and open. Because he stayed so centered, I felt safe enough to share my deepest fears and concerns about marriage.

That conversation changed everything. It was honest, healing, and full of understanding. By the end of it, I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, and I recommitted to marrying him.

Had he reacted differently—by getting angry, I would have withdrawn and felt justified in ending things. If he had played the victim, I might have spent my time comforting him and never addressed my concerns. Or worse, I might have agreed to marry him out of guilt.

This lesson isn’t about suppressing our emotions—every feeling is valid. But there are moments in love when regulating our emotions and staying calm can be one of the greatest gifts we give to someone we care about.

These days, I call this holding space. I discovered its power almost by accident. Early on in our marriage, I spent a lot of time defending myself when we argued. But there was this one time when something shifted inside of me—maybe it was just from exhaustion. Instead of my normal defensive posturing, I just shut my mouth and began listening to my husband. I took deep breaths to stay calm when I began to become triggered.

What I discovered shocked me. What I thought was a grave injustice done to me turned out to be nothing more significant than a misunderstanding.

Holding space is a gift that we now ask each other for.

When holding space for another, the listener is the hero. On the outside, they may look calm, but on the inside, they’re resisting the pull to get triggered. They are regulating their nervous system by taking deep calming breaths when necessary. Their goal is simple: to truly listen and to help the other person to feel heard. 

If the listener starts to feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for a break. The ego gets set aside. If you are the listener, you don’t even need to agree with the other person—your  goal is simply to allow them to feel understood; interestingly this is different from agreeing with them.  Reflect back what you heard and ask if you got it right.

Because sometimes, staying calm and truly listening is the moment that changes everything.