Love’s Dance: Who Says Sorry First?

“I’m So Sorry I Hurt You.” Why That’s So Hard to Say (and Why It’s So Powerful)

There was a time, not so long ago, when saying “I’m sorry I hurt you” felt nearly impossible—especially when I didn’t mean to hurt my husband.

I remember blurting out once, “Asking me to apologize feels like confessing to a crime I didn’t commit!” It stuck in my throat like gravel.

But a wise teacher helped me to shift my perspective. She showed me that when two people are in a conflict, it's almost never entirely one person’s fault. (Really, never. 😯) Relationships are like a dance—both people are contributing, even if we don’t always want to see our part. And let’s face it, humans are experts at turning a blind eye to their own steps on the dance floor.

So who should apologize first?

It’s the one who wakes up first. The one who pauses and remembers, “Wait, I love this person. And if we don’t add love back into this system, we’ll both stay stuck.”

When you apologize sincerely for your contribution—without justifying or pointing fingers—it can soften your partner’s heart. It lets love and energy flow again. It ends the tug-of-war. It’s surprisingly simple... and a far cry from “confessing to a crime.”

One gentle tip: When you apologize, leave out the “because you…” Just own your part. That’s enough.

And then, after the dust has settled—maybe a day or two later—try having a deeper conversation. Ask your partner how they experienced things. Share what it felt like for you. Not to prove who was right, but to understand each other. When you both really listen, the full dance comes into view. You learn about your patterns, your triggers, and each other’s hearts. 

And that, my friend, is how healing begins.